Unbroken
by TechNomaNcer28
Summary: Set after the Snape and Willow incident, this is Sirius's point.'-words do make a difference Moony and I have a feeling you RL slash.Rated for slight bloody content and safety reasons.


A/N: My first ever SBRL fanfic,first ever proper slash fic so hopefully not too OOC. Enjoy-er-reading!^^!. This story is from Sirius's view. This is rated M for dark themes just for safety.

Disclaimer:All characters belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling!

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><p><span>Unbroken<span>

I didn't think I'd say this but sometimes even you can be wrong, can't you Moony? It's one of those moments you'd remember your entire life if not anything else because you've always been right, or so I say and so does James and of course Pete because for him James is right that's why. You don't want to lock it up in a part of your treasured memories because this is really one of those few things that hurt so very much in a way as if they cut through your very heart at the remembrance of it. See, now you would have been happy to hear me use that big word if there had been a way to erase last night from all our memories maybe. Perhaps if I could forget it…but then maybe I wouldn't have learned at all.

If there is one thing I would change for everything else there is it would be so you didn't have to face this-this monster of a pain every transformation, after transformation. Why is it that every time you breath with such difficulty as if every breath itself is killing you from within, as if it would be a relief for every one of those breaths to be the last that I'm the one who feels as though someone had just blown up my lungs, enlarged my heart as if it would burst any moment now? When I'm clearly not the one on that bed of all white, a white so deceiving as if you're meant to be sleeping in peace and not fighting every stab of pain, when all I do is sit here holding that hand where the pulse is so very frail and my own treacherous heart continues throbbing with life, panic, fear.

Do you know any other word for this kind of fear? Of course you do, because you know so much, you always do and yet even you're wrong at the worst of times aren't you? I think it's guilt. Or something like it.

I'm scared, scared of what will happen when you open your eyes-oh and you just did, maybe this is the last time I'll ever see you this close, I do believe time's moving a bit too fast because now you've finally realized it's me here and as fragile as you may be, my hand is empty, free of the familiar warmth that had been yours.

I don't have words Remus, words except those of apologies because there isn't an explanation for what I did. You weren't supposed to get hurt. And when I do say sorry I don't know how I managed to stay on my feet then, have you ever looked at me that way before? Clearly I don't remember it but it really shouldn't have been a surprise because starting today or maybe last night I have become one of those people you would rather have nothing to do with ever again.

But there's no time to dwell on the unsympathetic, uncaring, foreign look you've managed because of me as time still continued moving too fast. Somewhere there James was screaming. Outrage? Maybe. And Peter was standing but not scared at all; he actually had the nerve to glare at me. They weren't supposed to know I had sneaked in here. I only saw this for a second though; I don't think I could grasp this-this change. And then none of it mattered even when James had a strong grip around my arm and the door flew open and I found myself in an empty corridor when the door had closed again with a slam, because right then your words were the only real thing.

"_I suppose you can't help being who you are; I mean, why even run away from your home in the first place?"  
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Because even with thousand words of apology you had disregarded them because you said that they were only words. _It's easy to use words like that; they don't make a difference Sirius._ Something like that Muggle line you saw? That 'don't talk the talk but walk the walk' or something? And because you're always right I knew I could believe you even if I didn't like the words themselves. Who am I kidding? I hated it, every word of that line, it was as if there had been no _you and me _although I don't know how exactly to put it in words about this whole _you and me_ thing that I thought something was there, something more than just _Remus and Sirius_, something more than just _Padfoot and Moony_ but I guess it might have all been in my head only because I'd been looking for it. Not you I guess otherwise shouldn't it have been harder for you to disregard anything resembling Sirius or Padfoot in your life? Yes I think so and maybe for once I am right.

-xx-

Why is it that when I'd almost wished with everything for time to stop that day before you'd turned me to this-this mess, this ridiculous being with an unfeeling body, a numb brain and a faintly beating unbroken heart that it had just slipped by? Were the Marauders broken? Did the Marauders still exist? We were here, we still are. There are a lot of Moony-Wormtail-Prongs, Peter-Sirius-James, James-Sirius, Wormy-Prongs, Prongs-Moony and even Sirius-Peter-James-Remus but never a Sirius-Remus or a Moony-Padfoot. Should that have hurt so much?

And I know why the Sirius-James-Wormy has reclined, I continue being responsible for it as long as I avoid going back to the common room or dorms early, avoid waking up late just so I don't have to face the _Sirius_ that drips from everyone's tongue. What happened to Padfoot?

_"Sirius doesn't need to be there this time_." You know how important Padfoot is to Moony; you're the only one who really knows to what extent having Padfoot helps, stops shredding yourself like some kind of roughly cut burlap roots the way Peter does. But I wonder, is it that Padfoot is gone? Is it that in a matter of a few minutes of recklessness the complete existence of Padfoot just…_vanished?_ If not why else would you have to go through this again without him? Padfoot was never supposed to leave you…

Why is it that _time_, this so called time full of weeks, minutes and seconds all continue turning to eons when I want it to be over? Why is it so still when it doesn't need to be? And there's a girl, and there's another and another…they just keep coming back. I don't want this body pressing up against me but I think I give in because it's what I always do. I'm hopeless that way aren't I?

-xx-

It's all red and gold, so much noise, what's with everyone, it's overwhelming, it's blinding and oh-Quidditch. Did we win? Prongs? James? No, that look says it all and is that you innocently patting him for comfort? Evans, was that Evans with all that red? She's furious though..._shit_!

"_Black, how the hell are you even a Gryffindor?" _Did she just cuss?That little-_"If you have issues deal with them or keep them aside, don't ruin this for everyone."_

And someone nearby was agreeing and I felt myself stumble backwards from a rough grab on the shoulder from the blond chaser, it had been unexpected. Oh right, I hadn't been the excellent beater I was supposed to be I guess but I wouldn't know because you haven't said anything but before I can fall you're there to stop me. And right then I forgot all thoughts of glaring and possibly mincing whoever decided that it was okay to push me even if accidentally. Maybe I was imagining again but those hands felt quite real and for now I'd let myself believe that.

There were no words however because words don't make a difference, not to you Moony. But maybe hoping wouldn't be that bad anymore. By the next hour I knew I was wrong yet again. Alright then, where...ah yes, that blond hair. I suppose hexing him into nothingness may help.

-xx-

Macnair and his lot weren't right, not for Reg but _Mother _expects him to stick with them. I've lost count of how many times I've tried talking him out of it, out of the duty that he was supposed to fulfill by joining 'The Dark Lord'.

"_Reg, I'm your brother. I'll look out for you. You don't have to go back."_-but the only answer to that was that I wasn't his brother anymore and my words didn't mean anything. At the end of it all do words really not make a difference to anybody else? Even if I had left him to deal with the House of Blacks on his own, my baby brother.

Maybe it was a good thing that they were just a bunch of Slytherins around the Charms Corridor that I wouldn't really have to care to hold back. Lights and sparks, so many of them flash across and I should have been stunned and bleeding to say at the least but honestly is there a point in _not _defending oneself? Even if at a point it had crossed the line between a scuffle and turned to an all-out duel, a very very deathly duel, it was surprising to see Rosier and Goyle go down so easily in spite of all that talk. But Regulus was good, Bella had done a good job with his training, after all he had to make an impressive Death Eater. So why hold back?

Clearly I'd already gone past the reality where students were gathering or fleeing because when the Black brothers were going at it, it wasn't light. But as always I was wrong yet again, this couldn't have been worse. I knew this the moment you stepped in and looked at me in Merlin-knew how many weeks with almost that same look that you'd had in the hospital wing perhaps with a bit of…something else.

'_He's your brother Sirius, are you really going to forget that the way he chose to?' _ And I knew, I knew how right you'd been. It was so much, so much, I don't think I could stand seeing you look at me right then anymore. _'Always a Black after all.'_ It was there, every unspoken words, you didn't have to say it because this time I knew I'd become a Black back in that corridor. Just like that sorry excuse for my mother who didn't have to think twice before erasing the existence of another Black…of a family.

And it's for that split second when I turned away slightly from Regulus's direction and saw Peter's expression changing to one of horror I knew it had been stupid, Merlin, such a stupid thing to do. And really it was suddenly the only thing on my mind even as the slashes appeared violently a second after the other. And suddenly there's chaos and shrieking of "_Murder_" and _"help"_ and_ "call Professor Dumbledore"_.

The smart thing to do would probably have been to just stay put but somehow Regulus's paleness becoming even more pronounced at seeing what he had done with that _Sectumsempra,_ no doubt a little something he had gotten from Snivellus during their Death Eater training or whatever they did, seeing you and someone else probably a prefect try to bring about some semblance in the midst of all that commotion while Prongs pushed past everyone and all that was there to hear were his loud _'Are you okay?' _and_ 'Padfoot.'_, everything had suddenly become such a mess I didn't really think twice before pushing James and stumbling and staggering away before threateningly pointing my wand and barking at anybody daring to come close like my counter-part.

Was it the anger? The confusion, frustration, a kind of hatred for everything and half a dozen other emotions I don't care to put in words because all of it really is the reason that I find myself in the Astronomy Tower. And it's then the sudden cold blasts across and I look to see the cuts, deep slashes through my robes. _Oh shit_, why is there so much blood Moony? I don't know why I haven't gotten my wand out and performed some kind of healing spell. No, no,_ god_ not suicidal or anything, I'm not like that Moony, I'm a Gryffindor…but then Evans's words come back like a riptide I'm not so sure anymore.

And suddenly I can't help but wonder if maybe this wasn't all that bad. If I had wanted I could have tried dropping out of Hogwarts or anything just to stop facing everyday where it's all strained conversations and forced smiles because I'm brilliant enough to skip a whole year of schooling but _hope_…hope although flickering was a good sustenance. See Moony, I do remember the words you use. I haven't forgotten…not yet, I don't think I will because you mean too much to me.

Why couldn't those words back then have just stabbed painfully enough to kill? This butterfly beat of the heart still kept me feeling, feeling things I'd rather not because my chest feels too small, it feels tight and it constricts yet my breathing doesn't stop. Too often in these months the easy way out wouldn't have stopped me but right now, right now I can't help but wonder that maybe I'd been left to live near you till this point so I could leave it all behind engulfed in this pain, this physical pain that had nothing to do with the cords that had been tugging painfully at this unbroken heart these past couple of weeks. There was some kind of a sinister appeal in the idea of having abandoned my wand and waiting for the pain to end, the world to end under a bright Sirius that still shone so vividly.

Is this the kind of hurt that you were back then? I wouldn't know would I? But I think I'll try, I think I'll let this go on and maybe I won't have to be guilty for having betrayed the one person who mattered the most although you wouldn't know anything about it of course. And if these cuts were to close up then maybe there will be another chance to hope or another occasion to welcome death in a far more painful manner in a much more deserving manner.

Damn, it's all so dizzying, where's my wand Moony? I can't feel enough of my hands anymore and when I look down to see the crisscross of reds and crimsons; gleaming, darkening and drying I'm scared. But I want to be a Gryffindor so I want to go through this, I will because Evans is wrong. What would Evans know if I'm a true Gryffindor or not.

"_Sirius_…_Padfoot."_ Whispers wrapped in light March winds, that's what they are because I'm alone and I still imagine familiar voices, what a time to be hearing your voice. "_Sirius_…" And there's a presence. My imagination? But this is real, the glow in those eyes when you look at me under the starry lights is too real.

"_You really want to be a Black, Sirius_?" But didn't you say I already was? Merlin! Just stop playing these word-games already; I can't think so much.

"_Heal yourself; you have a wand, why are you letting yourself hurt this way? Is it me? Is it your conscience?" _And you sit beside me, this warmth is so real, as if...as if you're really here.

"_Sirius, you can go ahead and do this, bleeding away like this. It is your life after all." _And why are you looking at me like that?_ "Be a Black if you will, an absolute selfish prick after all the years of denial, after leaving behind everything that's Black."_ Moony…I just want to know, will my leaving mean anything? To anyone? To _you_? And I think the loss of blood's making focusing difficult because you laugh. Why?

"_You're more than a Black, more than play-boy Sirius, did you forget? I know I didn't." _You still continue in a slightly detached voice as if you're only doing this to stop me from doing something unspeakable again._ "You're Gryffindor, you're Padfoot, you're a Marauder, you're that one loyal friend anyone would kill for and die to protect, you're that boy who's brave enough to have had me envious at a point and admire later on." _Really? That's not right Moony, not when you're so much a better person than I am_. _

"_You're Sirius who knows my favourites perfectly down to every mark and-" _there's a slight hesitance and a waver in your controlled voice_… "It's hard Sirius, it's just so unbelievable that you could really be so selfish after all this time." _And when I blink at you although a bit sluggishly you let out that sigh lowering your shoulders almost as if in defeat,_ "But if you choose to go about it the Black way trying to prove that you're never wrong go ahead and throw away your life."_

And when you stand up you look, _really_ look at me all honesty and all masks cast side I know that you care and it hurts even more because you cared all along and I hurt both of _us_ more than we needed, more than _you _deserved. And then slowly you place your own wand beside me and I'm confused but before I can dwell on your action you turn back and I can't help being scared because maybe this too had been one very vivid image, one that wouldn't remain. But you look back.

"_Come back Padfoot and if you don't…" _Goodness Moony, I haven't seen you this lost since Fourth Year when your mum fell deathly ill and you had no idea what to do about it but then you shake your head slightly and look up again_, "I don't want that. You've hurt me once; I don't need my heart broken Sirius." _

Trust, trust that I'd lost, trust that you were willing to bestow this time, once again because you trusted me never to do this again. It was all so there in that amber gaze I knew I still loved with everything_. _And at that moment I don't really realize the cuts healing as I take up your wand because it's just not my body healing anymore,_ I'm_ healing. Were your words really that powerful Moony? Enough to make me feel this close to being whole again? I think so.

My chest is still tight but breathing doesn't seem that difficult anymore, in fact there's a warm _warm_ glow somewhere in me that's more than welcome. The gash across my chest close up first much to your relief I can see but faint traces are the only evidence of the cowardly act I would have gone through, traces that would leave given time, traces that would forever remain ingrained in both our minds in that part of our memories that we want to forget but wouldn't because they mean so much.

And when I look up to see the glowing Sirius I'm glad I'm still here otherwise Evans would have been right. The only person who's allowed to be right is you Moony but then I remember and I think that you were wrong that day because words do make a difference Moony and I have a feeling you knew because it's unlikely that you didn't try and restrain me physically at all no matter how reserved you are if you truly cared so much. And I know you care because you always have and I know this because I can't close my eyes to the _you and me _anymore. Finally I can turn and follow you back inside the warmth of the castle because I can safely say I'm back.

Moony…_Remus_, did you mean it when you said words don't make a difference? And in that second when you look past me guiltily I know you'd lied. I know you had called me a Black purposefully. I should have been angrier, I shouldn't have been able to let go of it so easily but somewhere in me I know I'm glad you did because now I know that you'd never been wrong to begin with.

Lying doesn't count as being wrong, not when it comes from you and that's good enough for me because I wouldn't have known how to react to a Moony who had his facts wrong. And I suppose it was justifiable after everything I'd put you through right then. But I guess some things just don't change because you still continue looking as if all the things gone wrong were your fault and actually take hold of my arm saying_, "Come on now, let's get you to the Hospital Wing before James runs out of patience."_

-xx-_  
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That's why Moony I want to know, if you really believe that words do mean something even if they're easy to say but difficult to mean, and that they do make a difference, I want to know if you believe me when I tell you that… I care about you more than I should, more than it's okay to do so for another boy. The window is open and the winds are more of a rushing, pounding hurricane because I don't know how you will take _this_-this open confession.

I want you to see the one thing that makes up all of my love, trust, friendship, everything that's _youandme_ because now there's no _you and me,_ it's _us_. It has been for a while now even if we don't talk about it. And I'm sure I've managed to convey something through my eyes although I'm not as good as you at it except maybe when I'm being a temperamental brat because you're closer than ever before and even when you call me _Sirius_ it's different than the past months because this _Sirius_ sends pleasant shivers through my entire being. This _Sirius_ is full of everything I mean to you and I know, I know that words do make a difference to you too if not anyone else and that's all that really matters.

But even so I want you to know how much this means to me, how much you mean to me. You're not ready just yet so I'll wait; I'll live with stolen kisses behind closed doors, secluded corners of the library and all of that if it's with you. And with time the Marauders are back and you're starting to give in aren't you? You trust me a bit more and our kisses get longer, continue further, everything continues to go far and to a point where our previous friendship is too fucked-up to get back.

That's why when you're ready for it, when it's just _youandme_; it's more than just _SiriusandRemus_, much much more than _MoonyandPadfoot._ When it's _youandme_ it's all intense gazes, hooded eyelids, darkened irises full of longing and desire and something else purely; it's us and our hands on each other on every inch of clothes and skin; it's lips on lips, lips on neck and chest and scars; it's passion pouring like honey from every action. Even in the heat you're so hesitant with a steel-like grip on my shirt that it tugs at some vicinity of my heart but then you trust me again and again with every passing second until there are no boundaries between, until all bounds of friendship are crossed and for a heartbeat when I kiss every perfectly lowered eyelash, those wonderful contours of your cheekbones as if waiting for one of us to regret coming this far and turn back now you make your decision and trust me again and let me do the same when you kiss the vein in my wrist pulsing with life and love and lust.

And when there are only breathy "_Please." _and "_Now." _and "_I want_ _you." _you take me away so far, so high up like never before and I'm _special_ I know because of the way you handle me, like you could never have enough of me until we are impossibly close and it's all heat and burning touches where we would never have ventured before. _This_-this wonderful overwhelming kaleidoscope of emotions is too much to take and our bodies, our heartbeats rising and falling like they've never done before in such perfect harmony that neither of us could disregard this perfect symphony when there are only harsh breathless "_Remus"_ and "_Sirius". _

Then it's moonlight and beautiful lips and flushed faces glowing in the aftermath of such intimacy, tired but content smiles, slowing heart rates and more kisses but unlike before these are sweet kisses, gentle kisses, love-filled kisses, chaste if you would call although I don't know which part of us is innocent any more. Then you kiss the already-faded scars on my chest and the reality of it all crashes down; there are more tight embraces and assurances of everything being alright, an endless tide of it because I'd been close, so close to have never had this, of losing this.

But there are more kisses along the way and I'm glad that my heart had still remained unbroken because I don't have to pick up every shattered piece and fix them and neither do you because there isn't any need for it. Somewhere there someone must have woken up but because there's this unexpected splutter and then only sleeping sounds and breaths around; it must have been Prongs. Trust him to leave us alone, at least hopefully we wouldn't have to explain him about us tomorrow.

-xx-

When it's Moony-Wormtail-Padfoot-Prongs again the next day and we're sitting near the lake as always I'm not sure about Wormy so we hold hands discreetly not because we didn't want Evans or Snape finding out but because the Marauders were still here and they still meant every bit as important as before, maybe more so now. And when Hagrid comes around bawling with a bottle of Firewhisky the four of us know it is time to escape into the castle before he catches us and goes on a tirade of his latest misfortune.

But he catches Peter anyway and so we go back too to find him going on about how he had arranged for a set of charmed manacles with his wand that he wasn't supposed to use for Buckbeak, a baby Hippogriff he was to take care of for a few days. It had been all okay until last night. Gone was Hagrid's Hippogriff and so he started crying again. Even as his giant teardrops splashed on our uniforms causing Peter and James to groan and Remus to duck out of Hagrid's clutches politely I couldn't help but laugh and pat his arm leaving out that he probably hadn't performed the charm properly. You'll meet him again someday, I'm sure of it.

A week and then two and Prongs seems to be giving us less of those uncomfortable stares because this is Prongs we're talking about and he has matured a bit. Good, yeah? I guess Evans does do some good things after all. Peter always knows when to leave, was he always this observant? Ah well I guess he _is_ a Marauder- hey now, there's really no need for that that chastising look Moony, you look like Narcissa. Okay okay, it stopped you any way. A month and still there are stolen moments and sly glances, platonic touches that in all sense are wrong because every time we touch there's more than just fireworks and hands on skin, not that anyone else can see them of course.

That's why when Regulus and his cronies come walking our way and our hands are no longer joined it comes as a surprise when he throws his trademark Black sneer not only at me but at you too_. "You've really gone and done it this time Sirius. How much more will you continue breaking Mother's heart?" _I can't really help the rolling eyes that was bound to come, I mean Mother doesn't have a heart Reg, everyone knows that. "_It's disgraceful Sirius. A boy? Him?"_ Oh! They knew…and what was with that last bit? He really has no idea how amazing you are Moony. _"It's sickening. I don't believe my own brother…bloody queer." _

Brother. I didn't think Reg had it in him to have called me his brother anymore and now…I can't help but glance at you wondering how you'll take it and I'm happy but surprised that there's a smile there instead of thoughtful expressions and creasing lines and I try to dismiss this nagging feeling when you simply place a comforting hand on my shoulder to resume our way to Potions. And in class there's Slughorn looking uncomfortable even if our seats aren't closer than normal or anything. I wish I didn't feel this, not after having come this far. Maybe I'm scared because this feels too much like…_love. _I wouldn't know_.  
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I don't have to try too much though because by the end of the day it's only _youandme_, Evans is keeping Prongs busy, Merlin that girl is really something else and Peter's out in the kitchens. Obvious much? But I don't have to worry because in that period of golden sunset it's warm chests, heart beats pressed against one another, light caresses and kisses to the hair I know that it's alright, I know it's not wrong anymore.

And when I do wonder how you're able to take this all so lightly knowing your usual insecurities there's a tangle of white sheets and limbs and I never thought I'd hear you say this but you tell me that we're special, they wouldn't understand it though, _they_ being...everyone else I suppose. And when there's a light brush of knuckles against my cheeks and loud whispers as if in proclamation that,_ "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me Padfoot." _Wow Moony, you really know how to make me let go of my insecurities.

-xx-

Did you know that the first and only time I hugged Regulus and cried for him was when I was six and Father was furious because it's all weakness and unfitting for a Black. I'm glad you've never minded this odd craving for touches and embraces and when you give them to me every time without any complain I'm glad I'm still here with you, I'm glad you've come this far and never let me feel neglected the way Mother did.

Because you're right Moony, _you and I_ are special, we always were, we weren't like Prongs and myself and I think you know that because sometimes you teasingly ask me if I'm in love with Prongs and it _is_ teasing because of that light grin in your expression. And I know we're nothing like Pete and me, we were always more, always together after a point, always _perfect._ They don't know Moony, they don't know what this is and I'll hold your hand every way we go because I know it and you do too and we're okay with this. They don't know how special _youandI_ are and if this is _love_…then Moony, I think I want to stop remaining this way, I think I want to fall into it. After all when did I ever back out on something so soul-shakingly dangerous before? But this time we're going down together, is that okay?

I think it is because we won the Quidditch Cup just now and when I land you pull me into a literally bone-crushing hug, guess your lycanthropy did some good for those arms of yours. Oh look, it's Prongsie winking like a madman,you know Moony, I should remind you that the Hogwarts population will be busy for the night which leaves us to all the alone-time we could need in our very own dorm. When you finally get just a bit impatient with all those eyes around and pull me away towards the dorm and everyone's too busy to notice, I can't help the smile that comes just from being around you.

Merlin Moony, would you stop turning me into such a girl? I didn't think it was possible to feel all fluttery in the stomach just letting you have your way with me. And I can feel the doubt about to start nagging although very very slightly which I think you don't fail to notice because you look questioningly even with your hand somewhere on my belt. Oh Moony, there's no way you're stopping now are you? But then you really do pull away and I guess we won't be proceeding, not with that _adorable_ little frown not that I would say it out loud and risk a fortnight of celibacy.

Then I do end up asking if what we're doing is alright and if perhaps it's really way too much to add to your condition. Even as I wait for an answer you again kiss me breathless and smile that heart-warming smile before taking hold of my hand pulling me ever so slightly I can't help but be just a little confused as to what you want when I find my hand over your chest, over the somewhat irregular loud beats.

"_Sorry Padfoot, I just can't give this up." _You shake that head of yours and I can feel your lips breezing against my hair and your words next are the only thing that finally makes it alright because now I know we've actually taken that fall. Merlin Moony, is this _love?_

"_And just what do you think is supposed to be my world without you?" _Love…love really is beautiful Moony.

_-The End-_

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><p>XD!Too cheesy? Cliche ending? Ah I hope not!It took a while to write but I think I need it beta-ed because things seem to have gotten confusing specially with the tenses. Hope you like it and drop me a line as to how this could get better! All reviews are welcome. The next SBRL fics are going to be much happier!yay!<p> 


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